Apparently Niagara Falls is a popular honeymoon destination. I wouldn’t know, but I trust Google (probably a little too much). Having spent a day at Niagara Falls I find it astonishing that newly-weds want to go to Niagara Falls to have some steamy consummating sex to the sound of roaring water.
I mean, lots of things are understatements. That it’s slightly warm in the Sahara desert at noon is an understatement; to say that Hitler killed a “few Jews” is an understatement; the fact that Nick Clegg is “a bit of a twat” is an understatement; and to say that Niagara Falls is “a bad honeymoon destination” is the biggest understatement of all time (which is an overstatement).
Admittedly, there’s a lot of water at Niagara Falls, so if that’s what you look for in a romantic getaway, go for it, book those tickets! You can only see a certain amount of the water at Niagara Falls in that photo but the water just keeps on coming, pouring over the edge and down to the bottom over and over again. I’ve now described a waterfall for you, in case you didn’t know what one was. You should now pass GCSE Geography and your future will be secure!
I did a day trip to Niagara Falls while I was studying at the University of Windsor, Ontario, Canada. All of us exchange students piled into a coach at 7 a.m. and we headed up to the Falls. I was expecting Niagara Falls to be this magical place out in the middle of nowhere surrounded by a forest of trees, where animals rule and human impact is minimal, where rainbows are born and nature rules. But that’s not the case. Niagara Falls is more touristy than if you put the Statue of Liberty on the roof of Buckingham Palace and put a Pyramid in the back garden.
The “best” viewpoints, closest to the Falls themselves, are thronged three-deep with people. You can only get to the front with lots of shuffling, nudging or, if you’re suitably annoyed, a well-placed kick to an ankle. You’ll only take a photo from the front, when you don’t have people standing in front of you, so in all likelihood, the only photos you’ve seen of Niagara Falls don’t give a fair indication of what it’s actually like to be there. That was the case for me, so when I got there, I felt cheated, like someone had told me I was getting a three course meal when it turns out what I was getting was half a tin of Smart Price tomato soup, a few fish finger sandwiches and a tin of rice pudding. They weren’t lying, they just weren’t telling the whole truth. Sneaky buggers.
After getting more and more frustrated with people, I went for lunch. I left the Hard Rock Cafés and Burger Kings behind and ventured a few kilometres away from the throbbing tourist centre and found a little pub. It was dark and quiet and there were lots of strange men looking at me. My kind of place. I tried to buy a beer but the busty, sullen Canadian serving didn’t trust my British driving license and I didn’t want to argue with a woman who looked like she’d have no problem choking me to death and throwing my body out into the alley for the feral dogs to gnaw on.
The locals who hated the tourists didn’t want me there, but I hated the tourists too, even though I was one. I had nowhere to go, like a homeless agoraphobic. After an overpriced bacon baguette and a watery Coke, I ventured back towards the Falls. I took another few photos because I’d chanced upon a free space at the railing. I guessed everyone else was now fighting each other for seats in all the cafés and restaurants.
I still had hours to kill before needing to get back on the bus, so I went underneath one of the waterfalls, in the tunnels that are designed for just such a purpose. That was disappointing too. Unsurprisingly, being behind the water doesn’t give you the best views. And, once again, you’re fighting with several dozen other people for about six spots at the railing.
Anyway, Niagara Falls is a popular honeymoon destination. If you’re currently engaged to a wonderful guy or girl who makes you feel special and you’re looking forward to spending the rest of your life, THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, with them (that bit was worth repeating you poor, poor fool) and you’re considering potential honeymoon destinations, for god’s sake pick somewhere better than Niagara Falls. If you live close by, it’s worth visiting as a day trip, possibly even a weekend if you really love massive water features and close contact with other human beings. But for taking that special someone on a romantic trip, go to a Caribbean island or find a quaint cottage in a forest and be woken up by the birds each morning.