Masturbating in Restaurants

When I sit alone at a table for four I often think I look like a guy who enjoys masturbating in restaurants. This is especially true in classy restaurants that have foreign words on the menu and toilet paper in the loos. I can’t help but feel that I look like a guy only there to stare at the dressed-up women wearing expensive smells so I can masturbate under the table. I don’t dress smart. I order the cheapest thing on the menu. I always sit in the corner, although that’s mainly because the fake-smile waitress would rather keep me out of the way, probably so if I do stain the carpet it’s in a less-noticeable part of the place.

There’s a place called Huck Finn’s in the French Quarter of New Orleans. I went there a few times while I was in “The Big Easy” as they call it. First time I sat at the bar with a drunk ex-Marine called Joe who showed me his gun. Cool guy. Slightly terrifying, but cool nonetheless. Second time was this potential wank session I’m talking about.

I was standing outside waiting for the fake-smile pretty young waitress to come show me to a table. She came over, looked at me, and said, “Table for two?”

There was an old guy standing behind me. I guess she thought he was grooming me; evidently that’s a more common occurrence than young people coming in to eat alone.

“No. Just one.” Always just one.Huck Finn Restaurant

She shrugged and took me to the mandatory table in the corner. At least it was by the window which meant that people inside the restaurant AND the folks idling past outside could judge me.

I watched the other couples and groups of friends. There was the Scandinavian foursome who might’ve been friends but were probably in an open relationship with each other and would go back to the hotel and have aggressive sex in a merry-go-round formation. We all know what those Swedes are like. Then there was an elderly couple on the table next to mine; at first I couldn’t tell their nationality but after they didn’t say a word to each other for twenty-six minutes only to both thank the waitress politely when she took their plates away I decided they were English.

On the table in front of me, which I could see because the chair opposite me was horribly empty, was a young American couple.Β They must’ve been mid-twenties, only slightly older than I was. They justΒ soundedΒ happy. Laughing and joking and I could even hear their smiles when she asked him, “Dessert?” I wanted to stick my fork in her neck. I wasn’t acting the bitter old man, not much; I was just jealous.

See, New Orleans was the first time I’d felt lonely in a while. I had learnt to enjoy eating alone in restaurants, and mixing with the other freaks in McDonald’s is a delight I’ve never tired of – no joke, I once listened to a middle-aged man with a scruffy grey beard recite poetry while poking about in his Big Mac. But something about the sweaty narrow streets of New Orleans bummed me out. For the first time, travelling or not, I felt something missing in my life.

Alligator Po-Boy
Tasted like pork.

I ate my alligator po-boy in Huck Finn’s (not the cheapest thing on the menu but hey, alligator!), while watching the other people with their friends, companions and lovers. And I tried to take comfort in the fact that I looked like a guy who sits in restaurants like these and masturbates under the table when nobody’s looking. I smiled.

 

Come on guys, ‘fess up. Anyone else feel like me? Or does anyone want to admit that they’ve actually masturbated in a restaurant? Your secret’s safe with me!

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66 Comments Add yours

  1. schweingums says:

    Er..no.
    But really liked your post!

    Like

    1. ambigram0 says:

      Haha, I think I’m one of a kind!

      Like

  2. vkhanson says:

    …icky….but humorous as well. πŸ™‚

    Like

    1. ambigram0 says:

      Ahaha, that could be the new tagline on my site. Love it!

      Like

      1. vkhanson says:

        You have my permission as it suits you well. πŸ™‚

        Like

  3. amrita666 says:

    Nicely written πŸ˜€ I will always be suspicious of single men at restaurants now…this angle had never even occurred to me!

    Like

    1. ambigram0 says:

      Ahaha glad I could be of use!

      Like

  4. Sobpol says:

    I will never use a cloth dinner napkin again -already too much protein in alligator meat

    Like

    1. ambigram0 says:

      As long as they wash/replace them, you should be okay. Most restaurants probably don’t though…

      Like

  5. Hahahaha. Loved this. πŸ™‚

    Like

    1. ambigram0 says:

      I’m sure I disgust a lot of people but I’m glad you liked it!

      Like

  6. I laughed out loud, and that’s exactly what I needed tonight as I sit alone in my condo almost 3,000 miles from everyone I know. You may be a little sick, but at least you’re not boring. πŸ˜‰ Cheers.

    Like

    1. ambigram0 says:

      Another great quote I will use to describe my blog! – “A little sick, but definitely not boring.” Glad I’m entertaining you so far from home!

      Like

  7. amelie88 says:

    Never saw a single guy masturbating in a restaurant but it did happen once on a train in France. The worst part was I was under the age of 10 (8 or 9) and didn’t really know what it was/what the hell the guy was doing.

    I told my parents once we got off the train. My father was livid and so upset.

    Sooo glad it did not happen in a restaurant! I would have lost my appetite!

    Like

  8. ambigram0 says:

    I’m sure it happens so much more than we realise – take a good luck at anyone with a blanket over themselves on a bus/plane/train…

    Like

  9. Jokes! Very well written though. Any plans to pen something longer?

    Like

    1. ambigram0 says:

      Yes indeed. I’m just undecided at the moment – if I do some kind of travel memoir, I need to choose between America/South America/Middle East. Or I could do a short story collection, but again, I need a theme. IDEAS?!

      Like

  10. I eat alone in restaurants all the time when traveling, and I can completely relate to your post. I’m not sure if it’s more or less weird that I’m a woman eating alone. Anyway, great post!
    -e.v.

    Like

    1. ambigram0 says:

      Team restaurant-aloners unite! Who else is with us?!

      Like

  11. Nurul Fitri Lubis says:

    I do enjoy myself when I’m eating alone in the restaurant. Observing people around me give another satisfaction. Looking at two young couples seeing each other (I thought that they’ve just being lover). At the other side, two men eating with the boring faces, or in the corner, two old couples looke like have a fight (their faces are looked angry). I was not doing masturbating, but still I got satisfaction with my own companion, eating alone in the restaurant πŸ™‚

    cheers,
    Nurul
    http://nurulfitrilubis.wordpress.com
    http://unspeakablesights.wordpress.com

    Like

  12. LOL! In a restaurant, no. But in first class when the lights went out … maybe. πŸ˜‰

    Like

    1. ambigram0 says:

      Who wouldn’t? As long as you don’t enjoy yourself *too much* and start making little grunts and squeals… πŸ˜‰

      Like

  13. spotell says:

    I have encountered the creepy old guy masturbating in a restaurant. It was gross, you don’t want to be him! I don’t think it is the eating alone that makes you look like that guy, it is the not ordering food and only reading a newspaper routine that would make you look like a pervert.

    Like

  14. I guess it takes the arkwardness out of pretending that you are waiting for someone! Next time Im travelling and solo dining, I might as well give it a go, cause after this post people are going to assume you are anyway. Love it.

    Like

  15. Katie says:

    Think women get it on this, too? Why else would any woman be wearing a dress to get a drink alone? That’s the real question.

    Like

  16. Travelbunny says:

    You could probably get away with actually doing this if you passed it off as an asthma attack…. maybe not. Love the post made me laugh out loud…

    Like

  17. pilspics says:

    This is so funny. Love your self deprecating humour. Do you have many American followers? Experience has taught me that irony is not a big yank thing.

    Like

    1. Sobpol says:

      That’s because we don’t have free speech and every time we go out of the house without being fully covered, our asses are beaten…

      Like

      1. pilspics says:

        lol. No offence meant. I’ve just met a disproportionate number of intense Americans I think.

        Like

    2. ambigram0 says:

      Not sure how many are American actually. A fair few I imagine just going by country stats. I met plenty over there who loved the British-style comedy though.

      Like

  18. pilspics says:

    Nearly forgot…I’ve witnessed public masturbation – twice! In the more obvious place – public loos. On one occasion it was a dirty looking bearded man in a raincoat (no joke) rubbing his big stiffy at the urinal next to me. Bit disgusting but would have let it go if not for the fact that it was in a Belgium tourist venue visited by lots of children and he’d been there 2 hours before on my 1st visit! (weak bladder).
    Felt it my duty to inform the reception staff about what was going on but their English was not good. What followed would make a hilarious story for you – it ended in me pointing to the toliets and miming having a wank! Glad I can laugh about it now. The therapy must have worked.

    Like

    1. ambigram0 says:

      So he was in there twice doing it, two hours apart? Weird! I SO WISH I’d been there to see it! (that sounds so wrong…)

      Like

  19. Yvonne says:

    I am never going to look at solo men eaters the same way. I not sure if that is a good or bad thing.

    Like

    1. ambigram0 says:

      Definitely a good thing haha!

      Like

  20. rt says:

    Hilarious! I can so relate to this post eating alone almost constantly. I usually get shown to the smallest table in the place (which I don’t mind, better than feeling extra lonely at a table meant for four!) and treated with emotions ranging from mild contempt to pity.

    Like

  21. pubnknit says:

    I’ve worked in restaurants long enough to know not to say “table for one?” or “two?” when a person comes in on their own, that’s so rude. People eat alone all the time. Even at the 4-diamond restaurant I serve at now, there’s a guy who comes in regularly and has a 3 course meal with wine by himself.
    I just always go to the bar when I end up having a meal alone, because yeah, I feel awkward at a table.

    Like

    1. ambigram0 says:

      Eating on a stool at the bar is good advice actually, because you’re more likely to meet someone interesting by doing that. Unless of course you want to sit there on your own reading a book or writing or something.

      Like

      1. pubnknit says:

        Yeah, somehow being busy makes it more socially acceptable to be by yourself. Kindles are pretty handy for that reason.

        Like

  22. renpiti says:

    It takes a lot to get me to laugh aloud at work. Nice job.

    Like

    1. ambigram0 says:

      Haha, my pleasure! I hope you told everyone what you were laughing at. πŸ˜‰

      Like

      1. renpiti says:

        Of course. I said “masturbation”. My office will be nice and quiet all day, now.

        Like

  23. TomIsGlee says:

    Well this is downright hilariously accurate. I’m the “Starbucks Wanker” type. But I often realise that sitting alone in a Starbucks in London Paddington station makes you look like you are there to feverishly masturbate over the baristas.

    Like

    1. ambigram0 says:

      …With the perfect cover of being there “waiting for a train.” I like it!

      Like

  24. I will forevermore be suspicious of single men…not that I already wasn’t…

    Like

  25. I always wondered why restaurants with booths have such sticky seats.

    Like

  26. Good to see someone who finds the same humor in travel and life that I do.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog, I hope you enjoy my ramblings about a 16 day journey through parts of Italy, Malta, Turkey, Greece, Austria and Germany. It has taken me almost a year to get this far in my writing, but there is still more to come.

    Like

  27. Legal Alien says:

    I haven’t masturbated in a restaurant but I want to now. Perhaps not to completion though. Don’t think too many restaurants open long enough hours for me to get there πŸ˜‰

    Like

  28. I keep trying to “like” this and it won’t let me. But I like it!

    Like

  29. πŸ™‚ As someone else said above, icky but funny!

    I like to eat alone, but always have a book with me. I generally don’t *want* to talk, and as a woman alone have had my fair share of unwelcome advances from other solo diners, of both sexes. And now, in middle-age, I’m almost invisible, and get to hear all sorts of fascinating conversations and “too much info” going on all around me.

    Never been in the least tempted to, um, self-pleasure, but I’ll sure be more alert to the intense lone male diners after this, lol!

    Like

    1. ambigram0 says:

      I must admit, as you get older, people tend to stop judging others. If you see a 19-year-old guy in a pub on his own, most people will wonder what’s “wrong” with him. Most people wouldn’t think the same about a 50-year-old man doing it – at least I don’t think they would.

      Like

  30. I respect you just for the courage it takes to use the word ‘masturbating’ in a blog title. I could never pull that off (no pun intended).
    Thanks for finding my blog and leading me here. I love your writing style, and I’m grateful I didn’t stop at Huck Finn’s last week in New Orleans.

    Like

  31. Haha oh dear, i think you should meet my buddies Johnny, Jackie and Jimmy and you will never feel alone again! or perhaps do what I do and just take it home (oun intended?)

    Like

  32. cortezsharkman says:

    I bet the alligator actually tasted like chicken. I love eating out alone. Especially in New Orleans. I like to watch…
    Marisa

    Like

  33. angelinahue says:

    Not to digress, but the fork bit was particularly funny to me! I often eat alone in restaurants, and enjoy doing so, when I travel for work. When I do so, I often encounter guys trying to pick me up, while groups of friends / couples get curious and chat with me.

    Like

  34. Sanjana says:

    I east alone as well. I usually just carry a book so people know I’m not masturbating Besides, that kinda stuff is harder to pull off when you’re a woman. πŸ˜›

    Like

    1. ambigram0 says:

      I think that’s where I went wrong. I had no book, no newspaper, no iPad. I was just sitting there staring at people.

      Like

  35. philipcoggan says:

    I haven’t actually masturbated myself in a restaurant, no. If those tablecloths could only speak.

    Like

  36. haha this is hilarious!! LOVE IT!!

    Like

  37. jukeboxplayer says:

    I LOVE your posts…they’re crazy and so true! Well sometimes I feel alone when I have lunch by my own and I watch to all the couple or group of friends eating together and laughing…I look like a psycho eating in a corner, angry (and hungry) as hell because my lesson is about to start and I have no time to relax. Yeah, in those moments I know what you mean dude!

    Like

  38. There you go, your first improvement: buy more proxies!

    Like

  39. Kaley says:

    I always spent my half an hour to read this web site’s content
    all the time along with a cup of coffee.

    Like

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